Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson
Dear Counsellor:
I am 28 years old and I've been involved in a three-year relationship. I would like to get married but would like to know about the relevant issues to consider.
Audrey
Dear Audrey:
Marriage is attractive, enduring, challenging and rewarding. It requires commitment, perseverance, tolerance, fortitude and patience. Many people view marriage as glamorous, respectful and enriching. It can be fraught with challenges, conflicts, battles, power struggles, enmity, feuds, and strife.
As a business, it should be properly managed and financed, as well as deal with relational issues. In a relationship you have two humans with their weaknesses, strengths and problems.
The individuals have issues that are being carried since childhood. Child rearing imparts certain values and attitudes towards life which are entrenched in their personal
system.
Each person has his/her own dreams, aspirations, goals, ambitions and plans which he/she will be working on toward fulfilment. The individual may be seeking someone to assist in the fulfilment of these issues. Conflict may arise due to the fact that each has different issues and may require sacrificing from each other.
Finance is a major issue in marriage. As a business entity it requires cash to care and to meet the bills that will arise. A budget is required and a savings plan instituted to ensure that money is available when needed whether for emergencies or investment in the future.
As with other businesses, record keeping and documentation of expenses and incomes is needed to be able to track expenditures and make projections for the future. One has to work on managing the relationship so that it improves and flourishes to the improvement of the participants.
Intimacy, nurturance and togetherness should be fostered in the relationship so that participants can feel love, security, attachment, warmth and support. The emotional state of the marriage is important and there should be a climate of trust, forgiveness, tolerance and sharing.
One should strive for harmony and togetherness. If an individual was traumatised in childhood or adolescent, it is best that they seek the help of a counsellor to deal with these issues.
Trauma can arise from child abuse and neglect, rape, sexual abuse, chronic illnesses or victimisation. Traumatic episodes in an individual life can leave scars and emotional pain and can be healed through therapy. In therapy there is a trusting and supporting environment and the individual goes through corrective emotional experiences which will heal the hurts of the past.
Traumatic experiences can result in isolation, loneliness, sexual problems and failures in life. Sex is importance in marriage and partners may have sexual difficulties because of unresolved painful issues.
Child rearing and parenting is another task of marriage. This can be fruitful, and a blessing but is challenging and taxing. Prospective parents should seek education on parenting and child rearing practices.
They should review their own parenting and child rearing to determine if these practices are acceptable and can be done in this era.
There have been changes in parenting over the years but a lot of information is available on the Internet to help with this.
One has to remember the expenses involved in rearing a child and should plan for these expenses.
The other issue is about the relationship with extended
family, peers and friends. We all need support and help so their relationship should be fostered and nurtured so that there is togetherness and harmony.
There should be selectivity, choices, boundaries, limits and preference. You must develop your conflict resolution skills and decision-making skills. In the final analysis the outcome will depend on your relational skills.
El Shaddai Medical Centre; Tel: 9274824, 7911778; email: yvonniebd@hotmail.com.
