Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I was sexually abused by stepfather from the age of 10. My mother was not working and she was totally dependent on him. I told my mother but she did not believe me, saying that I was telling lies on him. This continued until the age of 15 when he died. There were many time when I attempted suicide and my mother said that I was a wicked person who was trying to break up her relationship. I am now 28 years old and I hate my mother. I hardly talk to her. I have recently become a Christian and want to live a Christian life but I am haunted by the memories of the past. I do not trust persons so I do not know who to share this with. Please
help me.
Shelly
Dear Shelly:
I am sorry to hear about what happened in your past and this experience I am sure was very traumatic for you. It is unfortunate that many women, because of economic constraints will turn a deaf ear to the pleas of their daughters. I think this is what happened in your case.
This does not excuse it, but maybe if your mother had been financially independent she would have acted differently. Shelly, I wish I could give you a three-step process to getting past this terrible experience but unfortunately it is not that easy.
As Al Miles in the 1996 publication of Carer and Counsellor explains, "Childhood sexual abuse can plague a victim for the rest of her life. It influences the way she feels about and reacts to situations, the way she raises her children the way she views her relationship with God".
Shelly, the pain and anguish from sexual abuse can last a lifetime. Right now you have much anger against your mother and you will find it difficult to forgive her.
She may not think she did anything wrong as she may still think that you were lying. To help you get on with the rest of your life please see a professional counsellor now.
He's refusing premarital counselling
Dear Counsellor:
My fiancé and I are both Christians and we will be getting married in a few months. My problem is that he is resisting getting premarital counselling, saying that he does not see the need and considers it a waste of money considering the fact that right now with the planning of the wedding we are strapped for cash.
Other reasons he has cited are that we love each other, as Christians we are committed to marriage and we have know each other for over five years. Although I love him very much and think I know everything about him, I do not feel that I should enter a marriage, which is a lifetime commitment without professional counselling.
Unfortunately, every time I bring up the subject, it ends in a conflict and somehow I feel like he is wearing me down. Am I wrong in insisting that we get premarital counselling?
Tanya
Dear Tanya:
You are not wrong in insisting that you get premarital counselling before saying 'I do'. Many lovers are now living separate lives, many Christian marriages are
ending in divorce and there are divorced persons who were
childhood sweethearts.
While courting you may turn a blind eye to the other's faults or you may see the faults and feel that marriage will change them. There are questions you may want to ask him of which you may feel timid or feel it is an invasion of his privacy.
Tanya, you owe it to yourself and your future to know exactly what you are getting into. Premarital counselling is never a waste of time or a waste of money.
One should go into marriage with both eyes wide open searching for all the faults, misgivings and shortcomings. Granted that we all have faults, but you should a thorough knowledge of what you are getting yourself into and decide beforehand whether this is what you want.
Do not ignore the idiom, 'see me and come live with, is two different things'. It is not all the time what you see is what you will get.
When the false teeth come out and the wig comes off, many persons become very disappointed. You may need to revisit this relationship, if such a simple thing is causing conflict, you definitely need premarital counselling. I would also advise that you share your concerns with the minister of religion who will be conducting the ceremony.
Email Ivret Williams at:
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
