Amina Blackwood Meeks, Contributor 
YU EVER notice de banns a people who come out a year time fe watch Jonkunnu? People all have competition wid big prize fe all who can name an identify de mose Jonkunnu people. Big wuds smaddy call dem Jonkunnu characters. Well, only Kwaku Ananse know de real secret of all dat watching an peeping into de crowd. Him sey people is really trying to find some lost relatives and generations.
For once upon a time Kwaku Ananse was really fed up. Not de bellyful kind of fedding up from food dat yu enjoy, like Chrismas gungo and sorrel an cornmeal pudding wid flaw-flaw, an likkle children blowing fee-fee. No, Ananse always enjoy dat kind of fedding up. But him doan like fed up dat meck yu feel sick, like when yu tiad of a situation, bex till yu kean stan yu ground and when Ananse fed up like dat sinners mourn.
So dis was almose Chrismus time, bout late October. A cool likkle breeze did start to blow. All who was fortunate enough fe have shop fe decorate put in bright tings into de window. And dem all put in a special ring into dem cash register. Is like every time smaddy part wid dem money de cash register sing out "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas". Dat bex Ananse but him is not one to begrudge a nex smaddy few likkle copper more. Him watch all who did fortunate enough fe can write start to write dung what dem was planning to give or receive. Dat did look like fair exchange so him 'low dat. But what give him de dickens of a problem was all who never talk to dem nayba from January one a get ready fe slabba-slabba kiss an greet one anedda in peace an goodwill.
Den now as Chrismas dun, dem go back to de puss and dawg living. Ananse conclude sey dat is why dem call it Boxing Day. An de more him tink bout it, de more him bexness grow and so de bexness magnify a so him swell wid idea fe put spokes into dem wheel.
So Kwaku Ananse plan a big Chrismus eve show and him decide fe ongle invite people who do not go anywhere unless dem can be assured sey nobaddi else nuh get invite. So Ananse address bout forty-leventeen envelope to Mr. and Mrs. Exclusive. Now dis was no ordinary show. It was a costume show wid some big conditionality. First, everybaddy had to wear a costume. Second, nobaddy cudda meck dem owna costume. Tird, once dem accep fe come to de show, dem had to go to a special band of costume designers certified by Ananse's International Costume Design Training Institute. Fourt, in order to get a costume, dem had to confess to de institute officials de rightful an true way dat dem behave from January de first till de time dem get de invitation. Dat confession form de basis of dem design.
Jokify
Well all de Mr. and Mrs. Exclusive had a good laugh cause dem know sey Kwaku Ananse is quite jokify. Dem turn up well under dem firs sorrel, light and merry an meck some quality confession dat wud shame Beelzebub. An suh dem confess ah so costume designer draw an bend wire, an measure satin an paste on sequins, till costume ready.
Show time come pan de Chrismus eve ascardin to plan. Kwaku Ananse have wan butler a him door a call out number as guests arrivedL: Mr. and Mrs. Exlusive Number 1; Mr. and Mrs. Exclusive Number 2. And when all who was suppose to be dere was duly accounted for, Kwaku Ananse gi out, "Let de show begin". Pappy Show.
Contestant number one step out into a tight-tight green neon frack, wrap down from neck to toe like stiff jacket. Pan de head was a alligator snout. For him did confess sey de whole year him was jus snapping off people head. Hear, hear. People clap an laugh. De levity was light contestant number two. Him did have one big oversize patch over him eye for him did sey him did turn a bline eye to all de chicanery dat was threatening to come into him line of vision. People knock long stem glass and guffaw. Number tree did have two oversize teet for fe him did tink it was funny to send charities useless gifts like false teet an nutten to eat.
Next came Mistress Labba-Labba, dressed as a broken beak pattoo. Fe har confession was dat she was de CEO of Rumour Mill an Company. An de last two come as a pair. De Mistress was sitting pan de Mister shoulder such dat him cudden stan up straight. Dem sey dem was de Hunchback of Notoriety and Shame for none of fe dem performance cudda ever stand de light of day.
An when all had paraded down de catwalk, Ananse announced dat de chief judge would address de gaddering between five to midnight and midnight. Well de gaddering was reared on Mister Mention as Judge or Mister Jacket and Tie. Imagine de consternation when a wooden-foot man appeared, wid tear up clothes pan him back, fire inna him eye an no mercy inna him heart. But dem clap still, for dem love clap. Eleven fifty-five him walk up to de microphone, clippity-clippity-clippity, an him scroll out him judgement scroll. First ting was a commendation to de designers for dere great display of creativity. Second ting was a big-up to de contestants for dere uncharacteristic display of candor dat fuelled such creativity.
Well de Baxing Day business start right deh so. Dem cuss de judge bout is dem should get de firs commendation for widout dem dere would have been nutten made dat was made. But judge jus bide him time an wait till midnight. And on de stroke of twelve, clippity-clippity-clippity, him teck out a magic stick dat ongle him and Ananse did know sey him have and him wave it an declare a tie. First time in history all contestants win de firs prize into contest. An in dat instant, they all were transformed. De sinting dem dat dem tink was costume become permanent appendages, attach on to dem body, dere to remain till de nex time Ananse have a Chrismus eve costume show an dem can find sinting different fe confess to Ananse's International Costume Design Training Institute.
Reprieve
Crocodile tears was inconsolable. Dem start beg sey dem cannot go back into high society like dat wid all dem shenaningans so exposed and beg Ananse fe a reprieve. So Ananse declare dem members of an exclusive Jonkunnu band. Him gi dem de autority fe perform anytime of year so dem wudden be condemned to total darkness. An so dem change dem ways ah so wooden foot man wudda release pan Chrismus eve. Dem glad fe de likkle opportunity so tell. All which part people tink Jonkunnu band did abolish it spring up back. An all who know de secrets of dese special characters come out fe see ef dem can identify who is under which disguise, fe gidem likkle moral support on dem way to rehabilitation.
So de next time yu see a broken wing pattoo or a horse head, a belly woman or a pitchy-patchy, look good an see ef a smaddy dat yu know. An Kwaku Ananse sey it is permitted fe gi dem likkle money, dem work hard fe it, an him sey yu nuh haffe fraid a dem, dem really quite harmless.
Jack Mandora, me nuh choose none.
