Ivret Williams, ContributorARE YOU that 'dependable' person who is at the beck and call of friends, family, inconsiderate employers and church members? If you are, then I am POSITIVE your relationship is suffering as a result of it.
Relationships have deteriorated and families have suffered because a husband and father who belongs to a church community or civic group does not know how to decline the invitation to sit on 'one too many' committees. This person, whose esteem may be hinged to the importance of the committees he sits on, will accept the position knowing that it will decrease his already limited time and his family only 'benefits' from his presence on some weekends. Then there is the assertive mother and wife who spends long (unpaid for) hours at work because she does not know how to stand up to an employer who is abusing his power and her time.
'Messiah complex'
It would be remiss of me not to mention those individuals who are plagued with the 'Messiah complex'. They believe they are here to save the world. They will see a refusal of any sort as being rude, unkind or selfish. They operate under the premise that the needs of others are more important than their own and their sole purpose on earth is to serve others. As such, they will extend themselves even to their own detriment. The Bible instructs its followers to 'love thy neighbour as thyself'; this begins with a love of self first. There are others who, because of feelings of inferiority, can be easily persuaded and influenced. Research has consistently shown that these persons tend to be more conforming and can be more easily influenced than persons with a higher self- esteem. These persons are contented to 'go with the flow' as it makes life easier.
Saying 'yes' when you would rather say 'no' can be quite stressful. Every time you grudgingly agree to a request, it ultimately creates imbalance and chaos which can lead to headaches, tension, disturbed sleep and strained relationships.
Consider for example, a friend inviting you to a party and you had promised to spend the evening with your spouse. Going to the party may be a small blow to the foundation of your relationship. It may not be apparent at first, but after a while it may become a pattern of behaviour where your spouse is regulated to second place. Should I comment on the guy who takes you to a movie, later buys you some fried chicken (of which he eats most of it) and then wants sexual favours for his eight hundred dollars? I think not! Then there is the 'old flame' who is visiting from out of town or from 'foreign' and invites you to lunch when you are in the midst of an important and urgent project.
This small escapade may force you to work late in order to meet the deadlines. It may also create a problem in your relationship because 'where river run once, it can run again', and 'old fire stick easy fe ketch'. Am I saying don't go? Yes! Whenever you say 'yes' when something deep down inside is telling you 'no' you are giving up control.
Quiet assurance
To say 'no' with quiet assurance starts with an understanding that it does not mean you dislike the person or do not have time for them; it simply means that at this present time you are refusing their current request. Some will confuse the rejection of a request with the rejection of the person making the request.
As you struggle to say 'no' do not feel compelled to attach to it a 'whole nine yards' of explanation. That may compound the matter as the other person may use verbal gymnastics to out-talk you. Some may also use different tactics like flattery, interruptions or even threats to get you to change your mind. Others will burden you with feelings of guilt by telling you how ungrateful you are, even to the point of dragging you down the gutters of the past to remind you of the favours they have done for you. Let me assure you, it is your fundamental human right to say 'no' at any time without giving an expla-nation or being made to feel guilty.
But how do you say 'no'? Practise! This may mean standing in front of the mirror and role play. With continued practise it ultimately becomes easier. Many good relationships have been destroyed because persons have not been assertive enough to deny a request. It is not until as individuals we have mastered the art of saying 'no' that we will have greater control over our lives and more enriching relationships.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalkrelationships @yahoo.com. Check the Saturday Gleaner for the answers that Ivret Williams has for the questions you ask about your relationships.
