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Stabroek News

A place for all
published: Wednesday | April 20, 2005


Tony Deyal

A FEW years ago, a plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussein captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam said to them, "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. Here's the deal. You will each be given 50 lashes, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian went first and asked for the finest kangaroo hide to cover his back.

He got it, got his 50 lashes, and though his back was bloody from the beating, he survived. The Englishman, perhaps having watched the River Kwai movie too often, was adamant. "I will not dignify your tyranny," he said defiantly, his shoulders straight, his bearing military. "I will have nothing on my back." He got what he asked for and the aftermath was horrible to behold. Torn, bleeding, ribs fractured, somehow he survived. Then, it was the Scotsman's turn and the sadistic Saddam said, "You have the same choice. What would you like on your back." Unhesitatingly, the Scotsman said, "I'll have the Englishman."

Were the Scotsman allowed the same choice today, he would possibly choose a German named Arlo Pilof.

Having Mr. Pilof on his back might possibly help the Scotsman to get the European Union off his back.

ENFORCING EQUALITY

If this sounds complicated, the actual situation is worse. Mr. Pilof is the architect of the 2006 Race and Gender Equality Imposition Code and one of four Euro commissioners from Italy, Germany, France and Spain, who will have pushed forward legislation to force Scotland to change place-names that offend or discriminate on the grounds of race and gender. While we might think that the measure is consistent with Arlo's surname and is a pile of rubbish, these four bureaucrats from Brussels have said that the names of towns like Motherwell, Blackburn, Helensburgh, Fort William, Campbeltown, Peterhead, Lewis and Fraserburgh are not 'race and gender'-sensitive and must be changed.

The Edinburgh City Council is considering changing the name 'Arthur's Seat', because the commissioners have decreed that the ancient name contained sexual undertones "likely to offend those visiting Edinburgh." A fate more dread could never be envisaged. One critic lamented, "I understand, for example, that North Lanarkshire Council will consider plans to change Motherwell to Parentwell, but what is Dunbartonshire going to do with Helensburgh?"

Pilof had stated that the choice of Scotland for the conformity exercise was, "We believe many names do not conform, and we started with Scotland because it is the worst of the culprits with offensive names such as Skinflats, near Grangemouth." It is a pity that his research was not more extensive.

INFAMOUS ENGLAND

For instance, the commissioners are targeting England next, where such tempting targets as Blackpool and the Isle of Man await. The Scots have got around the 'black' word, dubbed racist by the commissioners, through the use of the word 'dubh', which means the same thing in Scottish and possibly Jamaican.

However, little does Pilof know that a lot of hidden treasures await him. There is 'Pratt's Bottom', a classic example of redundancy, 'Deaf Hill', 'Kill St. Nicholas', 'Middle Wallop', 'Over Peover', 'Pennycumquick' and 'Up Ottery'. There are also 'Upper Thong', 'Down St. Mary', 'Peasedown St. John' and 'Lickey End'.

Were the commissioners to roam even further on the European continent, to Italy for instance, they would find 'Arsoli' in Lazio, Italy, 'Effin' in Limerick, Ireland, and a four-letter word for the female sexual organ in Spain. In France, there is the village of 'Condom' which is near on the river Baïse. Baise (without the diaeresis) is a French vulgarism for a sex act. Many French letters have been posted from Condom. There is a small place in Upper Austria which honours a sixth- century person named Focko and is spelt like the present participle of the four-letter word for the sex act, although it is pronounced 'Fooking'. One writer remarks that English-speaking tourists invariably stop to have their photographs taken in front of a sign displaying the dreaded word.

It has been stolen at least seven times. The mayor of the town does not know what to do about the 'name-of-the-village' sign.

FORTUNATE USA

Fortunately, for Americans, the United States it is not part of the European Union, otherwise Pilof and his bunch would pile on them too. For instance, both Hell and Paradise are in Michigan, in fact, only about 325 miles apart. It is possible to take a road trip from Intercourse, Pennsylvania to Hooker, Arkansas, stopping in Hot Coffee, Mississippi, and ending up in Climax, North Carolina.

But, we do not have to go to Europe or America for weird names. Fortunately for Barbadians, neither CARICOM nor the OECS has commissioners like Pilof otherwise they would end up in Jordan's Cowpen. In Barbados you will find 'Husbands' without wives, 'Gays', 'Mount Gay', 'Mose Bottom' and 'Prescod Bottom', 'Sixmens' and 'Allmans' as well as 'Maycock'. You can discover 'Hope' and 'Friendship', but can't have both at the same time. You can be in 'Mount Misery' or in 'Jack in the Box Gully'. But, for a truly wonderful and unique sight, and a genuine tourism spectacle unknown in any other part of the world, you have to see 'Cockrane'.


Tony Deyal was last seen in Barbados trying to appreciate the wonderful collision of the vulgar with the Vulgate in the village of Balls, Christ Church.

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