Keisha Shakespeare, Freelance Writer
SPARKS FLEW the first time Ramesh Gaali laid eyes on Bhuvaneswari. He had to have her as his bride.
However, the 29-year-old doctoral student had to cool his heels, going through layers of family meetings and background checks, before the seal of approval was granted. At the time Bhuvaneswari was 19 and he was studying for a PhD in Information Technology. Both were living in Andhra Pradesh, South India.
It started, says Bhuvaneswari, when Gaali's best friend visited her cousin and also met her. He took word back to Gaali that there was a young woman who would make him a good bride. The best friend later returned, with his parents, (and Gaali in tow) to ask her uncle for her cousin's hand in marriage.
ASKED MY PARENTS' PERMISSION
Bhuvaneswari continues the story: "When he (Gaali) saw me he liked me so he told his parents that he would like to marry me. Then he and his parents came to my house and asked my parents' permission for us to get married.
"My parents were interested so they went to Ramesh's house. I could not go because it is forbidden to do so. (This differs in each state in India.) My parents checked out his history - to see if he were from a good background, if he had a job and whether his house could accommodate me. Normally, Indian parents want to secure wealth for their daughter. They want to make sure that their daughter is going to be secure after marriage," explains Bhuvaneswari.
THEY ASKED ME IF I LIKED HIM
"After my parents met Ramesh's parents and were satisfied, they asked me if I liked him and I said yes. We then had an engagement party that was at the expense of my parents. In my culture it is the duty of the girl's parents to stand the expense of the engagement party and the wedding.
"After the engagement, Ramesh would visit me at my house but under the supervision of my parents. We could not go far, we had to stay in the community. However, we could go out and take a picture and come back. Also, he could not stay by my house in the nights. We dated for six months before we got married."
The couple who now live in Jamaica have been married for nine years.
IN ARRANGED MARRIAGES
THE BRIDE'S FAMILY WANTS TO KNOW...
Does he have the means to support his bride?Will he make a good husband and father?Does the family have a good reputation?Often, the bride will live with her in-laws after marriage in what is called a joint family. In this case her family also wants to know whether the women in that household are well cared for? Is the house big enough to accommodate another person plus grandchildren?THE GROOM'S FAMILY WANTS TO KNOW...
Is she respectable or is her name tainted?Does she have the makings of a good wife and mother?Bhuvaneswari Gaali notes that even when the choice of partner is not at first acceptable to the potential bride or groom, they trust their parents' judgment.
"When Ramesh came to propose to me I was not ready. At the time, I was finishing up my bachelor's degree in business administration at Sri Venkstswara in South India. I wanted to further my studies but when Ramesh proposed and I knew he was from a good background I decided to get married.
"My parents know what is best for me and they checked out the background of my husband before they allowed me to get married. I trust my parents' judgement."
She adds: "I believe that 74 per cent of people who are living in arranged marriages are happy. The disappointment is not doing a background check as we do in our culture and you go ahead and marry someone you do not know well. Then after marriage you get to know the true him and it's something you don't like then you end up in a divorce. That is why arranged marriages are better than love marriages."
