Amina Blackwood MeeksAmina Blackwood Meeks
WELL, HERE we are, another January morning. I can't tell you how happy I am that I live to see that you live to see it too. And equally glad am I that you are here, sober and in good spirits. Some people still looking for Christmas. For dem expeck it to come on a weekend, Saturday to boot. Saturdays are ordained for certain rituals like wash clothes, clean house, go to de market, cook soup and such. Christmas is supposed to fall on a weekday, so de boss must gi yu a day off and pay you. For according to Likkle Miss Jing Bang that is the only way to squeeze something outa some a dem. But as she was to discover, some of them conspired to give with one hand and teck back wid two. JB reported that she was witness to a series of events that added up to nothing short of horrendous for too many people.
"It was the nightmare before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse". For dere was nuttin to stir. Nat even likkle sorrel. According to JB, a whole syndicate of Grinches contrive de whole year fe mash up people Chrstmas. Begin wid de Mass Ivan him who consume what him was to consume of the sorrel out of season at dat, blow whey what him was to blow whey and gouge up de price pan what leff dat de only way she was going buy it and de gungo was if doctor did prescribe as a last resort life saving treatment fe some terrible unknownmyelitis. An she vex when she recall how him guzzle so much of it dat him end up into a drunken stupor an out deh a dance inna wata, unda him watas, ah dare people fe come touch him if dem tink dem bad, confident in de knowledge dat none a dem cudda swim. Dem haffe stay inside a talk bout what and what dem wudda do ef dem ketch him outa road.
HIGHWAY MAN
To how me get it, lo an behole, some a dem decide fe go out a road go challenge him only to discover that it was a stole road. Which is not to say that one would find any of Santa's outgrown Christmas stoles out there, nor that the road had been stolen, but rather that the highway man was out there waiting, like in the days of yore, at the old inn door, but now dem was calling it a toll plaza, waiting to reclassify people's vehicle an dip him hands into dere pocket an teck out all de likkle change fe buh de seasonings fe put pan de greetings. But Jing Bang, having previously sighted de rake, teck de ole road and jubilantly declare, "I tolled you so." And that was just de beginning of how de Grinches tried to steal Christmas.
Jing Bang sey, de night before Christmus one man decide fe stole it back. Fe tirty odd years of driving him was a qualified PHD, pot hole dodger, so him decide to experience proper road an head out pan de Bushy Park/Mandela Highway, a beautiful piece of progress dat start in de middle of nowhere and done before you reach where you want to go. When him reach up at de stole plaza Computer Grinch, aka, the Glitch of Christmus ketch him. It reprogramme him pick-up of many faithful years into a SUV and charged him ascordin but his pocket remained on de pothole road, he remained in de pickup and de SUV remained a virtual reality up dere pan computer screen.
Mister Genkkleman decide to play riggle-me dis with de booth attendant and ask what would happen if yu go to a shop and reach de cashier and find dat you are short of cash. Would you not return de goods and return out of de shop? Before she cudda guess de riggle or perhaps not, him declare sey him was out of cash and would like to return down de portion of de highway before de part where de bell tolled. She laugh an sey it impossible because is a one way. Him laugh back and him sey him only wish to go one way at a time and dis time dat wish was to go back. By dis time as you can imagine car, bus, truck and emergency vehicle start pile up backa him and him calmly a argue him case and sing "Jammin", like him was Bob Marley, "Yu tink dat jamming was a ting of de past." Him get a call pan him cell phone sey couple miles dung de road smaddy kean even come outa dem yard sake a de chaffic and him gi out "We jamming right straight from yard."
MINIMUM WAGE
Jing Bang sey she get fe fine out sey him was a teacher who did bex from mawnin when him calculate sey de more de road grow a de more de toll would follow but a certain Grinch never authorise him pay fe grow likewise. In fack dat Grinch wudda siddung pan minimum wage while buy yacht an heng up gole chain made by de Order of Distinction roun him neck. So teacher-man him decide to put on him likkle pay-per-view performance. Him sey him had no objection to performance pay. Performers get nuff money.
Anyting dem ask for producer haffe gi dem or show flop. Him ongle want somebody fe tell him how dat apply to doctor. What fe dem performance based on whether de patient live or not? Den suppose you are a doctor of education but de patients don't get educate? Or a doctor of crime reduction and de crime refuse to reduck how dem rate yu performance? Would it be pro-rated or Standards and Poor rated? You can try figure it out. JB sey de man sey him get to fine out sey one a de Grinch dem is really de Cat in de Many Hats. Under one hat was him millennium shopping spree. Under a nex hat was de mout what tell yu sey Chrismus is a time to be merry an live it up. Unda de nedda hat him have a lis a talk bout all de tings to be thankful about if yu don't have de means to be merry. Like some born to be merry while addas can only tenkful. Well him sey him want merry to. Him want to know how it feels to be so tiff-tone merry dat yu have to wake up and ask somebody if yu was having fun. Him don't want to be de one who fah pitcha inna newspaper wid de bag of scrapsis inna him han like a him stole Christmus but de caption sey him get treat. Treat him likkle betta dan dat. An him teck out a likkle flask a something, sip a sip, an start recite Rudyard Kipling like him into Tea Meeting or a good ole-time Christmus Penny Concert:
"High noon behind the tamarisks-the sun is hot above us As at Home the Christmas Day is breaking wan They will drink our healths at dinner those who tell us how they love us, And forget us till another year be gone!"
Jing Bang sey she bawl out "Clap him!" For it come in to har like dis man related to Sam Sharpe and decide to mount him own Christmus Rebellion. Talk de trute Mel Cooke, don't a man like dis deserve Hero Status?
Memba yu know, by de time de rebellion blaze to a certain Capletonesque dimension, British officials decided that it was too difficult to continue the practice of slavery and not being able to perfeck anything no matter how much dem practice, dem decide to bring it to a cease an sekkle. Jing Bang sey de Teacha Man dare dem fe sekkle dis one. Sekkle de gap between de meek and lowly and high and mighty. Sekkle de criminal dem inna Haiti who stole de people 200th anniversary an still up deh a gwaan like is dem run tings. Sekkle de wan dem right here in Jamaica who dress up crime into jacket and tie and pop big laugh round press conference table. Sekkle dem into a realisation dat it is also Christmas in The Workhouse. Clean up de media space of people who meck dem bedroom business public and den come wid de outrageous proposal sey odda people a faas inna dem business an dem is to be banned from uttering any lyrics bout it.
KING FISH
Into dat space put in nuff pitcha of Commandante y Jefe Fidel Castro Ruz wit a big caption designed to let the world know dat fe him exports gane up by 37 per cent in 2004, an see who else can produce figures like dat. Fatigue dem wid de fack dat is nat soso sprat him exporting, is some King Fish. Speaking of which the Teacher wants to know how comes dem treat him to bread and sprat fe Chrismus breakfus an a KingFish dem promise him, den nuh King Fish him fe get? Declare it dat Boxing Day does not mean boxing up scrapsis leftovers to give to de poor. An him go back pan him guitar like him is Bob Geldof an gi out, "Feed the World, Let them know it's Christmas."
Jing Bang sey ah dem dem kine a teacha fe inna de classroom. As long as him can teach dem deh sinting deh, de Syndicate of Grinches is going to have a hard time stoling nuttin.
