By Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor 
PEOPLE FALL in love and get married. It is well established that unconditional love is the only kind of love worth marriage. Wedding vows are an integral part of any wedding ceremony. As couples contemplate marriage, the question of the vow should be given serious consideration against the background of unconditional love.
Ronald, who is in a committed relationship with Devinefor seven years, is shying away from a marriage ceremony because of his profound fear of taking the wedding vow. He claims that he finds it intimidating and fears that the "worse" and "sickness" will become a reality. However, with counselling, Ronald is on his way to the altar, having worked on writing his own vow with the help of his fiancee, Devine.
Marriage is the ultimate step in commitment in relationship building. It is more than the white gown and tuxedo. In many religions, marriage represents the moral authority to which couples should aspire. For Christians, marriage is ordained by God, as the Bible instructs, "therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).
Preparation
Marriage is not for couples who are not confident or prepared. One way to prepare for marriage and a meaningful wedding ceremony is for couples to spend time understanding aspects of the vows and moving toward writing their own if it will add more depth to the union.
There are seven key aspects to any kind of vow, covenant or promise making the vow, keeping the vow, violating the vow, warring for and against the vow itself; warring for and against the foundation of the wedding vow; warring for and against the foundation of all vows and winning the battle.
Keeping the vow is critical to a successful marriage. A rise in divorce statistics indicates that couples are not doing such a good job at keeping vows. If partners love each other unconditionally, there is the understanding that whatever happened in the past, whatever is happening at present and whatever is to happen, will not change a couple's love for each other. This influences the passion with which the vows are made and kept.
Selfish motives
There are some couples who are against taking binding traditional wedding vows. Others will war against taking any type of vow. When partners are in love and honestly make a promise, they try to make it work. However, if one person is dishonest, he or she will selfishly make the promise without any meaning and will only try to make it work for satisfying some selfish motives.
If marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman, what is the difference between a couple shacking up? The essential difference is the wedding agreement into which the couple enters. Most Christian marriages in western civilisation have a wedding ceremony in which the bride and groom profess their commitment to each other in a wedding vow. The vow is more of a covenant to bind the union. The words of a wedding vow are in fact a covenant between husband and wife. The vow is a promise or contract witnessed and becomes legally binding. Some churches are strict about the marriage covenant and do not sanction breaking the covenant for any reason. They cite Romans 1:3 and Revelation 21:8 which refer to the "judgment of God" on "covenant breakers".
Couples who want to write their own vows should take time to do it well. It requires time alone, without distraction. Over a romantic breakfast in bed, for example, they should discuss what marriage means to each person. They should write down the reasons for loving their fiancee as well as two or three of memorable times together. Write down songs, poems, quotes to be used at the wedding, reflect on the meanings and write them down. From what is written, the couple should find enough material to creatively write their own vows, taking off from the traditional format.
Traditional marriage vows require the bride and groom to take the vow -- "In the name of God, (name), take you, (name) to be my lawful, wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part." The words of this vow are well-known that the couple may repeat the words without much thought.
Covenant
As more couples write their own wedding vow and covenant, a variation on the traditional vow reads --"From this moment, I, (name) take you, (name), as my best friend for life. I pledge to honour, encourage and support you through our walk together. When our way becomes difficult, I promise to stand by you and uplift you, so that through our union, we can accomplish more than we could alone. I promise to work at our love and always make you a priority in my life. With every beat of my heart, I will love you. This is my solemn vow." In unison, both the bride and groom may say -- "Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay -- your people will be my people and your God, my God."
Symbols of love
Wedding rings are given as an outward demonstration of the vow of love and a public showing of the couple's commitment to each other. Symbols are added to seal the vows of the wedding ceremony. In a Rose Ceremony, the bride and groom exchange a rose with each other at the end of the ceremony just before being pronounced husband and wife. The rose is a symbol of love so as a first gift to each other the rose gives the message of "I love you". The officiating minister often encourages the couple to pick a special location for roses in their homes. On each wedding anniversary, they should visit the spot as a recommitment to their marriage based upon love.
Marriage renewal
Vows are also used as a couple's renewal of their commitment to each other after years of marriage. New vows may mean changing the way things are using lessons learned to take the marriage to new dimensions. An example of a marriage renewal vow may read -- "(name), in the past I have taken you for granted. I have put others before you. I have done things I am not proud of and I have often been wrong. On the other hand I have always loved you and stood beside you. I am here today to move forward with a renewed commitment to you, our love and our lives together. I pledge that from this day forward, you will be my number one priority. I promise to be there for you in all that life brings our way. Today, I vow to give you all that I am and all that I have for the rest of our lives together. This is my solemn promise."
*names changed for privacy
