By Chaos, Freelance Writer
Cassons English Restaurant and Pub. - Ian Allen/Staff Photographer
ENGLISH COOKING has a reputation - perhaps deservedly so - for being somewhat bland. As someone once put it, what can you say about a nation that boils everything they eat?
On the other hand, having been born there I had my own opinion about English food and anyone who thinks that my mother cannot look like any five-star chef on the planet is courting suicide. Then again, we are not talking home cooking hear are we?
No. A friend and I decided to check out Cassons English Restaurant and Pub on Braemar Avenue last Saturday and it was rather an interesting experience.
I got there late - as is my wont - and the minute I popped around the corner you take to get to the restaurant from the pub, which is the first thing you enter, I was almost given a heart attack by a smiling young lady who appeared out of thin air and asked if I was there to dine. Finding that a somewhat odd question, I was somewhat flummoxed for a response until she then asked if I was there to meet a party. Now, I might call my friend any number of things, but a party would not be one of them. I said yes nonetheless and she immediately led me to my 'party' and then popped back into thin air.
I had a seat and waited for my dining partner-to-be to finish the game on her cellular telephone she had become engrossed in while waiting for the tardy yours truly. That done, we started looking around. The first thing I noticed was how red the place seemed to be, but that was just the walls, really. Then my dining partner drew my attention to the ceiling, which was adorned with T-shirts and banners from practically every team in the English Premier League it would seem. A discussion ensued about what makes for a truly sports-themed restaurant - or more to the point, an English sports-themed restaurant and pub, and Cassons certainly seemed to fit the bill. Premier league football memorabilia aside, to one side of the room are two darts boards and a large table which soon saw a card game played by a number of Caucasians in progress.
The atmosphere was perfect as well. The red wall and somewhat dim lighting made for a very cozy feel and we had no problems feeling - and acting - like we were the only people there, although we certainly were not. Come to think of it, I hope we weren't disturbing anybody else...
Soon a wonderfully inept waiter appeared. Now, don't get me wrong, he was inept, but firstly he was apparently new and still a little nervous and secondly, and more importantly, he tried so hard. So hard in fact that it was impossible to feel even the slightest bit of annoyance. To all intents and purposes, he made the experience that much more enjoyable.
It was a buffet night special at the restaurant at $600 a plate, but we wanted the true experience and asked for the menu instead. This seemed to puzzle our waiter for a moment, but the menus were soon forthcoming. A look through saw headings such as 'Appetisers', 'Entrees', 'Light Meals, 'Not-So-Light Meals' and so on. After a look through, I decided on the Stuffed Crab Back and she opted for the Mixed Meats... platter, I guess you could call it, for appetisers.
Now back to English cooking, which in my opinion, whose reputation Cassons may have taken a little too seriously. The Stuffed Crab Back arrived accompanied by an obscene amount of vegetables, including lettuce and what I think was shredded horseradish. Now, this in and of itself was not a problem and the vinegar was a nice touch, but when I tried the crab it tasted like nothing I have ever eaten before - and I have had crab before. In fact, it bordered more on the side
of tasteless, a lack of seasoning - another reputation English food has - evident.
Or maybe it was just my uncultured palate...
Nah.
The shell, however, was cute. My friend, on the other hand, had a ball trying
to figure out the five meats her Mixed Meats was advertised as having. We ended
up identifying three, but the only one I was sure about was chicken. On the
other hand, she certainly enjoyed it, since she had her uneaten portion bagged
for later consumption.
Soon our waiter, who was described as being 'cute in his nervousness', reappeared,
anxious to please. For our main courses, I opted for Steak and Kidney Pie, feeling
a bit of nostalgia, while my partner, after some perusal and a bit of thought,
went for the German Sausage meal. As luck would have it, there was no Steak
and Kidney Pie.
Go figure.
Determined to have some sort of pie, I then chose from the 'special' - the
buffet - and asked for the Meat and Potato pie. I wasn't thinking clearly. After
all, is there anything more bland than an English potato? To make matters worse,
what did appear bore absolutely no resemblance to any pie I have ever seen.
I wanted pastry, I wanted crust, I wanted juices. What I got was a shapeless
mass of, well, meat and potatoes. I think there may have been some vegetables
involved, but frankly enough, my mind had gone somewhat blank and again there
was a distinct lack of taste.
My partner's meal looked much more interesting. Two large German sausages,
chips (fries) - to which I introduced the joys of vinegars, which is the way
chips should be eaten - and some vegetables made her plate look much more interesting
than mine did. Again, she seemed to enjoy herself, since she also had her uneaten
portion bagged - neither of us had large appetites on the night. Come to think
of it, I never do have a large appetite... but that's another story.
For dessert I had an excellent apple pie (like I said, I was determined to
have pie that night) and she had chocolate cake. She was somewhat displeased
by the non cocoa-based icing, but then she's a chocaholic who tends to think
chocolate cake should not be defiled by any such thing.
Food aside - and, of course, this is entirely relative, since one man's meat
is another man's... meat? and taste buds vary - but the best thing about Cassons
is the atmosphere. After our meal, we moved to a conveniently placed settee,
kicked back, had a drink or two and a number of cigarettes on my part and just
chatted, again feeling quite cosy for another hour or so.
The service was efficient enough, once our waiter got over his jitters, and
a stroll through the menu indicated that the price ranges vary widely enough
to suit anyone's pocket. Our bill came in at under $3,000 dollars and, frankly
enough, it was money well spent. I'll be back one day and be a little more adventurous
when it comes to ordering. (Hopefully, by then the steak and kidney pie will
be available.)
