Claude Mills, Staff ReporterHERE IS a dream scenario for your typical male on the prowl. You see a young hottie in the bar. She's dressed in one of those butt-hugging Brazilian hipsters the men go crazy over. You stroll over to the empty bar stool beside her, and sit down.
You give her the once-over, and she turns and looks at you. Your eyes lock for a moment, and you ask: How do you GET into those skin-tight jeans?
She responds: You can start by buying me a drink.
The alarms go off inside your head. Tonight is your lucky night.
This scenario will happen one time out of 115. The other 114 times you will get your face slapped, shot down by a withering look, or emasculated by violent indifference, but that 115th time, magic...pure magic.
In my misguided youth, I learned how to approach women through the aggressive, ill-fated attempts of older men, or bolder teens my age. In time, I worked out a couple of pseudo-aggressive phrases to express my appreciation for women's figures.
The phrases ranged from, "Girl, you have it!" to "Pssst, baby, yu fat!". I also used the double-take gesture where I snap my head back, open my eyes wide, shout "Wow", while managing to look suitably impressed.
Needless to say, my shenanigans met with mixed results, and I must admit that I was somewhat perturbed when a few of them actually stopped to hear what I had to say. Eventually, I dated a few of the "Pssst" women with spectacularly awful results.
I remember one of them having an awful Donald Duck lisp; I dated her for three months (don't laugh, she's really a nice girl and her skin was clearing up quite nicely). And there was that incident with my mom's maxed out credit card but I can't talk about that much because the court case will come up next January.
Let's just say that it was a scary but incredibly exciting time in my life. I got no sympathy from anyone, including my family. They all seem to be of the general belief that any man who picks up women on the street deserves what's coming to him.
Maybe they have a point. I am reminded of a snatch of verse by Lady Mary Wortley Montagu:
The fruit that will fall without shaking
Indeed is too mellow for me
Aggression is sometimes just harmless male foreplay. We can't seem to function without some degree of testosterone-driven aggression. Even the so-called easy-going guys among us adopt a similar stance when it comes to approaching women: act aggressive first, be yourself later.
In matters of the heart, as Seneca said, 'He who begs timidly invites a refusal'.
Still, it is a vicious cycle. Aggressive jerks approach women, the jerks get shot down in burning flames, and women automatically go to Defcon 3 where they are always on the war path, ready to go ballistic as soon as some poor guy approaches.
In this state of affairs, it is easier to be aggressive, or not approach at all, for the fear that you will be shot down anyways. So if you're going to say anything at all, just be a jerk from the get-go, so you can still feel like one of the boys, and have no emotional hang-ups when you get rejected.
It's called Defensive Dating.
You must realise that there are certain women a man has an IMPERATIVE to notice because of how provocatively she's dressed or the size of her particular assets. It is a reaction that is hardwired into our genetic code to do that, so women, please don't flatter yourselves.
The -ISH girls
If a man says "psssst" or pays you a compliment, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to sleep with you. There are a lot of "-ish" girls out there, you know what I am talking about, the cut-ish, sexy-ish, pretty-ish who are O.K. but don't quite get there. If we say hi, it doesn't mean we want to do the horizontal mombo. Give us a break, puh-lease!
Still, I can't blame men for acting the way they do. Sex pummels our brains daily. Wherever we turn, we see women in revealing blouses, skin-tight jeans, thongs...and so on. So we call to these women, sometimes, in self-defence, it's like we have no choice in the matter.
We approach women just because. Just because. Some guys do it to keep his game sharp, or to work out the kinks in his approach for when he sees a woman he REALLY likes.
Many young men are not taught how to approach young women or engage them in conversation, and so they fall back on biology instead, that is: showing off, fighting, verbal posturing, grabbing at breasts and backsides...this is all part of the carbon-dated 2100 B.C repertoire of young men. It's all rooted in evolutionary biology. And as long as some women continue to respond to alpha male behaviour, it will always be a popular fallback position for socially inept males.
Men have to be taught how to approach women. They should think about adding a course in the high school curriculum. Call it: Sense and Sensibility 101.
So how do women want to be approached by men?
Here are a few answers:
"Any approach is OK, as long as he doesn't try to put his hands all over my body." - Kerry Robinson, nutritionist
Another woman said: "I want a man who is very friendly and with no lines...the kind who will send me flowers and a card that says 'I want to know you better'." - Chantalle Clarke, secretary
"Someone original and witty; doesn't come on with phony compliments." - Simone Johnson, student
Women seem to be big on sincerity. At least men, try to sound sincere when you compliment her. And don't leer too much, that's a turn-off.
Still, women need to stop discriminating against us men so much. Put down the pitch forks, and the burning crosses. Men are human beings, we're just looking for a little companionship, friendship, and sometimes a little sex.
Is that really so bad?
You can e-mail me at cmillsy@yahoo.com
