By Avia Ustanny, Freelance Writer 
A little girl relaxes in the comfort of daddy's arms.
AS A dad, are you afraid for your daughter?
Or is she afraid of you?
Fathers of teenage daughters usually find themselves caught between both extremes, as they find themselves in a new role of protector. Willingly or unwillingly, they are drawn into defending their newly nubile daughters from males even as old as themselves who "only have one thing on their minds". They know. Their minds used to be in that place too.
Their protective stance, however, is rarely appreciated by daughters straining to break the chains of affection and who may also be eager to express their sexuality with one or more of their male admirers.
Dads who stand guard at grilled verandas in the hope of 'chopping up di bwoy' who won't leave their teenage daughters alone are a frequent phenomenon in Jamaica.
Dennis Grant, who recently executed a similar manoeuvre for the sake of his 18-year-old daughter, has found that she has ceased talking to him. She treats him with great disdain, to the distress of her mother, who cannot think of a way to encourage the two to trust each other again.
Then, there is the case of Karen Thankful (not her real name), 18 years old and a new college student who is still cosseted by Dad who she says won't even allow her to walk the plazas of Half Way Tree
unaccompanied.
"From a teen's point of view", Karen says, "they (fathers) just find dumb excuses why you can't do things and they get dumber and dumber as you get older and they just won't let you grow up which results in you rebelling.
"My point of view, they have a paranoia of you becoming 'something bad' (they are really thinking of
another sibling, their own childhood or their own siblings who went bad). Even though they try to protect you from what is wrong at times and in other cases from lifestyles that they aren't used to, they are keeping you from developing.
"I think that what they need to understand is that they can only advise and guide. They can't protect. Protecting only cultures children to be more naive and co-dependent. There comes a time when children need to stand alone and hold themselves accountable for their own thoughts. Some parents think that you should wait until you are an adult to be independent or to actually think and act on your own; when life does work like that."
It is Karen's contention that, "They teach us the basics in life and you can't use them. It's like they can't trust you and then you end up not trusting them because they won't allow you to determine who you are by your actions you don't have room for that. It's stifling."
FATHERS MUST REINFORCE VALUES
Fathers, instead of playing the unappreciated role of bodyguards, would better spend their time reinforcing the values which should help their impetuous teens to make the right decisions.
Ron Klinger, founder of the Centre for Successful Fathering in Austin, Texas, suggests that as a girl grows up, a dad can switch to other forms of interaction that teach skills, such as tennis, canoeing, or mowing the lawn. Girls who have these experiences are less intimidated by competition and are more ambitious, he says. They are less likely to fall for the first Lothario who comes along and declares his love.
"They absorb from their father a sense of independence and resiliency," Klinger says. It is his belief that "a father needs to move away from his own agenda and honour his daughter's talents, even as they may change. Whether it's a gymnastics meet, a musical recital, or a math contest, a dad can support his daughter by attending her events and cheering her on, and learning to enjoy the activity."
To strengthen the bond, a dad can set aside time to be with his daughter on a regular basis. For example, they can visit the library the same night every week, go grocery shopping,
volunteer at a nursing home, or cook Sunday morning breakfast together.
To break the ice while doing something together, Klinger suggests, a father can ask open-ended questions, such as, "How is it going?" Or ask specific questions, such as, "How did you do on that math test?" or "Whatever happened with that boy you and your friend were talking about?" Get her to open up by telling stories, Klinger says.
"You can't dictate when it happens," he warns. "So you have to be available." There is no way to dictate your daughters' thoughts (and their actions behind your back) but you can influence the values which will guide their actions.
There is one other reason why a close, non-judgmental relationship between father and daughter might be beneficial. A young girl's relationship with her family, especially with her father, may influence at what age she enters puberty, state Vanderbilt University researchers in research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Girls with close, supportive relationships with their parents tend to develop later, while girls with cold or distant relationships with their parents develop at an earlier age.
The study looked at 173 girls and their families from Nashville and Knoxville, Tenn. and Bloomington, Ind. from the time the girls were in pre-kindergarten until they were in the seventh grade.
Girls who had close, positive relationships with their parents during the first five years of life tended to experience relatively late puberty, compared to girls who had more distant relationships with their parents.
It has something to do with exposure to male pheromones.
So Dad, if you want to make 'your little girl' remain just that way, you may have to do more than giving her lunch money for school, and wielding a machete in defence of her honour.
Building your own relationship with her will assist her in developing good relationships with other men, and at the right time too.
