Tony DeyalAS I drank my second glass of cold chocolate milk, I was drawn to a story about a thief in Mexico City who, for four mornings straight, at exactly 8 a.m., held up the duty employee of the 'Azteca' pastry shop at knifepoint and demanded a chocolate cake. On the fifth morning the duty manager of the pastry shop called in the police just a few minutes before eight and, sure enough, the thief turned up and was caught. It is possible that the thief was merely stupid.
However, it could be that he was following an almost primeval behaviour implanted in his DNA and was totally hooked on chocolate.
It is in Mexico and other parts of Central and Latin America that the pleasures of chocolate were first discovered by the Aztecs and other tribes around 2,000 B.C. Cocoa beans were so highly prized that they were used as currency, and only people of royal blood could drink chocolate or, as it was called, 'xocolatl.' It is also possible that the thief was using the cake to enhance his love life.
Researchers believe you can get hooked on chocolate. It is addictive because it contains caffeine. Other researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. Two doctors at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, Donald F. Klein and Michael R. Liebowitz, suggested that the brain of a person in love contains large quantities of phenylethylamine, a chemical that produces an amphetamine-like high.
Chocolate also contains a lot of phenylethylamine. Klein and Liebowitz postulated that people like chocolate so much because it makes them feel like they're in love. This has prompted the question, "What is two inches wide, six inches long and drives women wild?" A bar of chocolate. Additionally it explains why there is no organisation called "Chocolate Anonymous." Nobody wants to quit.
Over the many hundreds of years, some general rules of chocolate have emerged. First of all, if you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Also, chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If your problem is how to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car, the solution is easy. Eat the chocolate in the supermarket parking lot. If you're on a diet, eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less. If the calories in chocolate are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Eating equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate constitute a balanced diet and don't actually counteract each other. While money talks, chocolate sings.
Perhaps in these days of rapid ageing, one of the major arguments for using chocolate is that it has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Chocoholics are advised that they should put "eat chocolate" at the top of their list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. There is also the beneficial (and handy) effect provided by the fact that a box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. One other advantage of chocolate is storage. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. However, this leads to another concern. If you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? The final rule is that were it not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
While I go for chocolate milk, and other people go for chocolate bars, Bill Clinton and others like M&Ms. There are many questions about that particular brand of chocolate including, "Why don't they make white M&Ms?" The reason advanced is that if they did, the white M&Ms would enslave the black M&Ms, steal all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&Ms to extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were invading the Earth, and complain that the damn brown M&Ms were taking all their jobs.
One of my friends who sent me the M&Ms story also sent me multiple reasons why chocolate is better than a blind date, air, a car, kissing and a vacation. However, what I liked best was the following for which reader discretion is advised. It is a little story called "Oh Candy Bar."
"It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and ZagNuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, Be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Watchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ~O~ Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"
As I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ~N~ Plenty, when all of a sudden ... My Starburst! As luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped ... a Baby Ruth!
Tony Deyal was last seen justifying the use of chocolate for the preservation of sanity in today's world. He pointed out that "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts".
