Wendel Abel
LAST WEEK I shared with you a number of tips to help you manage anger. I shared with you a five-step technique, the BRAVE Technique, used to manage anger and emotions.
B -Beware of your feelings
R - Relax. Learn to relax.
A - Affirmations. Affirm your rights to your feelings and recognise that you have a right to express these feelings.
V - Validate. Learn to validate feelings.
E -Express your feelings using 'I Messages'.
A number of readers have asked me, since last week's publication, to elaborate on the 'I Message' technique. We should always avoid using 'You Messages'.
I will explain the 'I Message' technique by giving you several examples. I encourage you to practise them to improve your communication skills and to allow you to better express your emotions.
EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS
If someone has done or said something which has affected you, here are the steps to follow:
1. Identify your feelings.
2. Express your feelings using the 'I Message' technique.
3. Do not use 'You Messages'. Remember 'You Messages' put down others and make them become very defensive.
Here are a number of examples. Take a few minutes to review and practise them.
EXAMPLE 1
You arrive home and realise that your child has not done his or her homework.
Feelings: You feel disappointed and upset.
Express: "I am very upset and disappointed. I would have preferred if you had done your homework before playing games or watching television."
EXAMPLE 2
Your friend borrowed a book from you and did not remember to return it.
Feelings: You are feeling very annoyed.
Express: "I am very annoyed that you have not returned my book. I would have preferred if you had called to say that you were still using the book."
EXAMPLE 3
Your tenant has not paid the rent for several months.
Feelings: You are very angry.
Express: "I feel angry and disappointed that you have not paid your rent. I am being inconvenienced. I would have preferred if you had called me to indicate that you were having problems."
EXAMPLE 4
A colleague at work said something about you to another friend.
Feelings: You feel offended and slighted.
Express: "I feel offended and slighted by the remarks you made. I would have preferred if you had discussed the matter with me."
EXAMPLE 5
Your daughter-in-law has not spoken to you for weeks.
Feelings: You feel deserted and ignored.
Express: "I feel deserted and ignored. I would have preferred if you had called to let me know that you were not feeling well."
EXAMPLE 6
Your secretary has failed to make an important call.
Feelings: You feel disappointed.
Express: "I am very disappointed that you forgot to make that call. I would have preferred if you had written down my instructions and, in the future, if you forget to do something, I would prefer if you inform me beforehand."
EXAMPLE 7
A friend took something from your car without first getting your permission.
Feelings: You feel violated.
Express: "I feel violated and used when you take things without getting my permission. I would have preferred if you had asked instead of just taking it."
EXAMPLE 8
Your husband forgot your wedding anniversary.
Feelings: You feel very disappointed.
Express: "I feel very disappointed and neglected. I would prefer that in the future you make greater efforts to remember important dates as these mean a lot to me."
Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
