Sidney McGill
Dear Dr. McGill,
I FOUND your article entitled 'Marriages without sex' very interesting. As it concerns the couple in the common-law union, aspects of it sound similar to my own situation. I was living with my children's father for four happy years (at that time there was only one child) until his relatives caused me to move out. This occurred five years ago and during that time I got baptised. However, because of my own disobedience to God I ended up having another child with him out of wedlock. Over the years, he has made no attempt for us to get back as a family partly because of ultimatums given him by his relatives. All I can hear is that he is not ready - this after 10 years. I feel very disappointed and hurt because it is as if he has rejected his family because of this. I was even more hurt when he told me that he likes being by himself. I have suffered much indignity and feel that I do not want him any more.
Dear Fond Reader,
Thank you for your kind remarks. I respond to your letter with some hesitation because your account of the relationship with your baby father is somewhat sketchy. I will, however, speak generally, which may only answer some of your questions, so please seek out a good counsellor who will help you fill in more of the blanks.
In marital and common-law unions the couple agree to live together for their mutual benefit and to pool their individual resources in order to establish a family in almost the same way a pair of birds generally build a nest, mate, and together rear their young until they are fully feathered and ready to fly and fend for themselves.
Just imagine the conflict and confusion it would cause for the young pair to use their parents' nest to start a family instead of building their own. How you, your baby father and his relatives react because of the nest invasion and the level of emotional reactivity in the family is where I would like to take you. But first, let's look at what the family is: the family is an "emotional unit [which] consists of living persons related through marriage, birth, adoption, and strong, continuous emotional attachment. (Smith, 2001). Even after 10 years, chronic anxiety and levels of emotional reactivity do not change much despite the physical distance between you and your baby father. Your baby father clearly does not feel emotionally competent enough to share his life with you. At his parents' home, he depended more on their emotional support rather than yours.
If you can "put your Christian life back together", it should make important changes for you and the way your family functions. In plain words, do not expect him to want to live with you again but instead become the least anxious presence when he visits you. As long as you remain angry, you are emotionally tied to him. Work on your own emotional growth and development as a person. Your spirituality, continuing education and the proper parenting of the children should now become priority over trying to get this man to live with you again.
THE PLAN
Get someone to keep the children and invite him out to dinner. Prepare what you want to say to him. Start with the positive things about the relationship and then talk about your concerns, especially your feelings. Be honest with him. Let him know that you want to move on with your life and need to know what plans he has for his family. Your next move will depend on how he responds to you. Let your head rule your heart.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
