DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTIONThough painful, divorce provides an out when marriages fail. In the United States the divorce rate in 2003 was almost five per 1,000 population. In the United Kingdom it was 3.08 and almost 2.5 in Canada. In these countries, marriages are most often based on love.
By contrast, in countries where arranged marriage prevail, the divorce rate tends to be less than one in 1,000. In Korea it's 0.88 and 0.97 in Qatar. (Figures were not available for some countries like India and Japan.)
Bhuvaneswari Gaali explains that in India divorce is not accepted, therefore it is crucial that marriage choices are carefully thought about.
A WESTERN LOVE STORY
Clinton Bell, a plant mechanic at Windalco, also believes a happy marriage lies in making wise choices - but individual choices as opposed to parental.
He met his wife 32 years ago. Here's his story: "When I met my wife, Vera Raday, I had four children. Their mother took off and left me to raise them by myself. I was working at West Indies Alumina Company (Windalco), then called Alcan, Ewarton Works in Linstead, St. Catherine. Vera was working at a restaurant on Lincoln Road in Kingston. When I was working the late shift (4:00 p.m to midnight) at the plant, I would cook dinner for my children. However, when I worked a full day I was unable to do so, therefore they would go by the restaurant and eat.
Vera and I became friends and she would look out for my children. Seeing her from time to time my emotion started to take over and I asked her if we could be more than friends. She agreed and we started dating.
After I dated Vera for three years I thought it was time for us to get married so I proposed and we got married in 1973. Both our parents were dead so we made all the arrangements by ourselves and we shared the expenses between us. However, I like to look after my business myself. If our parents were alive, the only thing I would want them to do is to advise me.
I also think that parents should not choose their children's partner for them. I think everyone should be free to choose.
Also, a marriage that is arranged cannot last long and when problems arise in the marriage I don't want to blame anyone else but myself."
HOW ARRANGED MARRIAGES WORK FOR MUSLIMS
In the Islamic world, arranged marriages are a critical part of the culture. However, either the man or the woman can propose -- however, it has to be under the guidance of their parents.
When Rasool Khan got married in December 1984, she had only met her husband-to-be in person four days before the wedding.
Her story: "My mother usually sells baked products in the market in Guyana. One day when she came home she asked my brother, Rasool, if he knew a man by the name of Dawud Sami. My mother informed us that while she was at the market selling she met a Muslim brother who was visiting Guyana and was seeking a bride for a fellow brother back in Jamaica.
Rasool, who had met Dawud when he was in Guyana studying, told my mother that he was a good person. Then my mother started to inquire about Dawud around my community. After she was satisfied with her finding, we started to correspond by mail. We exchanged photographs and correspondence for six months."
Before a marriage can take place in the Islamic culture, there are four conditions that must be fulfilled.
STEP ONE: Both bride and groom have to accept the proposal. Each has a right to reject or accept.
STEP TWO: After the proposal is accepted then the Wually (father/guardian) or if father is not present, then the eldest brother from the female family, will replace the father. However, it has to be male. The father will then tell the prospective groom if he accepts him in the family.
STEP THREE: Doary (free gifts) has to be presented to the prospective bride by the prospective groom. It has to include whatever she requests, but because of the Islamic law she will not ask for anything he cannot afford.
STEP FOUR: There has to be at least two witnesses to announce to everyone the couple's plans.
After these conditions are met, the Imam (religious leader) will pray for the couple and then they can have the ceremony. In the Islamic culture, a marriage should not be delayed once all four conditions are met.
LOVE VS. ARRANGED MARRIAGE: WHICH WORKS BETTER?
ARRANGED MARRIAGES, SAYS IMAM SHEIKH TIJANI"In the Islamic culture, one cannot just get up and say I am in love and then get married," says Tijani, head of the education for the Islamic Council of Jamaica.
1: Arranged marriages last longer because the love starts after the marriage.
2: The couple knows each other's family because they would've gone through the four conditions of Islamic marriage requirements.
While in Western society one may think that parents are too pushy if they should plan when and whom you are going to be married to, it is the opposite on the Eastern side of the globe.
GO WITH LOVE, SAYS ERROL THOMAS HIS DOUBTS: Arranged arriages take away an individual's choice, says Thomas, family life director at West Indies Union of Seventh-day Adventist. It makes them feel incapable of managing the relationship. It makes them feel dependent on their parents when in fact they should be interdependent with each other as a couple.
Also, it makes them uncertain about their future. Instead of forming a new independent unit as husband and wife, they become an extension of the families' origin.
In many instances, there is commitment involved in arranged marriages and this commitment can lead to that love relationship. However, what can work in a given culture may become threatened as soon as it goes outside of that culture.
IT'S ABOUT CHOICES: In Western societies, there are fewer cultural norms relating to marriages. In any marriage the basis is supposed to be love and one's ability to make choices. Where there are no choices, then love possibilities are significantly reduced.
The best marriage is where there is love and commitment based on the choices of the individuals.
