Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACETHE SURFACE of Mars appears smoother than the road between MoBay and Ochie, certainly in all the pictures the NASA probe sends back to Earth.
Yes, I'm going on all screechy and slipping into Jamaica for a week to lie in the sun but it's my wedding anniversary, I'm owed a stay at an hotel. I'll do family and friends next time. This is quality time for wifey and me.
We pelted to our hotel at 1 a.m. and 80 MPH having spent 10 hours on a flight from the UK. Our bus driver reassured his passengers, "Sit back, relax, and don't watch the road." I dozed and then was jolted awake. I looked around, saw moonlight-licked, white chalk excavations of the new highway and for a second, thought I was in a lunar landscape. Lunacy indeed as white Toyotas flashed past at speeds of light. The ever-changing surface of the low and highway just coddled my already scrambled brain.
I'm over the moon to be back home but this latest safari is new to me. I'm aware of the South Coast Highway and the toll it has taken on the citizens whose lives through which it passes. I've even driven the new improved, if not quite finished, Negril to MoBay landing strip but I didn't remember that the road, if you can still call it that, to Ochie was undergoing the same indignity its more westerly sister has already faced. Let's just hope it is constructed more expeditiously and with fewer bankruptcies.
The joy of my return, albeit only passing through, traverses all potholes and calms unwanted hassles, but as I obeyed a call to the wild side of the hotel's beach fence a police patrol slunk along the coastline in a nice new launch. In all my years working North coast hotels, cutting my comedy teeth, I never saw one. I've seen them on Cops and Rescue 911 but never in Jamaica.
As they putted discreetly to the jetty and jumped ashore I wondered what important investigation was taking precedence over their patrol duty. Then it dawned on me, they were checking the ratio of dumplings to oxtail in the hotel's canteen. This was confirmed as they heaved their swollen bellies back on board and headed out to sea. The patrols must be a facade to make tourists feel safe but what are they really supposed to do? Prevent suicide hustlers from running up the beach shouting, "BUY MY ALOE VERA OR I'LL EXPLODE!"
Braiders, peddlers, pimps, and jugglers are as much a part of our tourism product as Sandals, Super Clubs, and Jamaica Grande. Whenever I stay at one of the above I make a point to patronise the satellite villages you find outside their walls. At times like these, pounds are strong, and dollars are needed and I'm happy to use my talent as an undercover Jamaican to show our visitors that it is safe to enter in and buy. Visitors may not get the best of deals for shells, giraffes or even herb but they should all be encouraged to spread the love and lucre evenly between rich and poor.
I love to press the flesh, knock fists, and reason with my fellow man in an enjoyable ritual that helps me re-immerse myself into my culture. Especially as I've been whitened by the North's grey skies and long months entertaining Jakes in his own cold land.
Shopping in these villages should be part of the curriculum in every hotel; some visitors never leave otherwise. Mind you we do frighten them. Some of our sales techniques could be improved. A sunburned black man with a lump of driftwood in one hand, a knife in the other, standing next to a big boned woman shouting, "HEY, RED SHORTS, COME HERE! ME WANT BRAID YOUR HAIR." is not the most enticing sight for nervous tourists.
Many of them have never seen so many black people all in one place before never mind been surrounded and outnumbered by us. They need coaxing and reassuring. They need us to explain that as long as they're happy to spend an amount of money they haven't been ripped off. We need to make entry into these places more conducive. The vendors would be less desperate and the guests less panicked. Remember a tourist caught in the midst of a selling frenzy will panic and leave without spending any money. They want to love us and share their wealth. We need to make it easier for them to do so.
Until then we can use the road to collect a toll by simply shaking the spare change out of their pockets en route back to the airport.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
