'STARTING OVER', a film which examines domestic abuse, premiered recently at the Island Cinema. That did not inspire the column, because it is something that I think about a lot. It may have, however, speeded up things a bit.The headline pops up ever so often in the newspapers -- 'Man kills woman, hangs himself' or there is the other variety -- 'Murder-suicide in St. Wherever'. It is the most striking manifestation of domestic abuse and is more often than not the culmination of an extended period of boxes, punches, slaps and kicks.
I despise the act of beating women and the men who do it. (There is the situation where men are on the receiving end, but that is another matter). Of all the misguided notions of what qualifies someone born with a penis for manhood, establishing physical dominance over a woman ranks at the top of the list.
As more women go further and do better in the education system, it is going to get worse. That statistic of three-quarters of the graduates from the University of the West Indies, Mona Campus, being women spells a lot of slapping to come.
And you would be surprised or not -- to know how many dress rehearsals go on in the halls of academia.
It is a weak man who beats a woman. He may appear to be the opposite, to be the epitome of strength, but he must be on very shaky ground on two counts. Firstly, if he feels the need to dominate his woman, then he must be weak. Secondly, if he feels the need to compel the woman to stay with him, then it is he who is the weak link in the relationship.
It's really strange, when you think of the second point. A man beats the dickance out of a woman -- but insists that 'she cyaan lef mi'. So it's either him or nobody -- and that is where the murder-suicide thing comes in.
However, while I can understand why a woman who is bound economically hand and foot to her partner stays when she is being walloped, for the life of me I cannot fathom when a woman who can afford to leave stays.
There is Mrs. Samantha Abernathy-Wilberforce, the picture of the professional woman, a couple letters behind her name, a house in a good neighbourhood, a criss car and a diamond on her finger.
And a black eye which comes from oh, I jus ran into that door. Then she runs into another door. And when she runs out of doors, she falls down the stairs.
But no matter how the man wallops her, she will not leave. That I cannot understand.
Is it a status thing? Does a woman like the fictional Abernathy-Wilberforce think she will become a social pariah if she leaves a situation where she is being abused? Does she fear not being invited to functions that hubby dearest would ensure that they are seen at?
Or does she think that she will be a discard in the man-woman business, that no man will want her again and she will grow old and lonely cold as she hugs her pillows in her big, empty bed?
I just cannot understand it.
We continue to hold to this myth that spousal abuse is confined to the not so wealthy in our society. We continue to hold to the myth that wife beating is the labourer coming home rip-roaring drunk and whipping wife and kids to shreds.
Not so.
And I see the faults in myself as well. While I despise woman beating and those who practise it, I have known of a couple cases where it is happening and I have not raised my voice against the act or the man involved.
Which comes to the solution of the matter. Until we treat the men who beat women like the pariahs that they should be, until we exclude them from our daily doings, until we stop keeping up this farce of respect, it will never stop.
Heck, even with that it might not. But it will take away the big man factor though.
And with that, a lot of the motivation for the beating.
Or maybe he will just take it out on her more?
- Mel Cooke
