Tony HendriksOF ALL the fan mail, guest book signings at my web site and the e-mails I get none are as entertaining as those I get from Freddy. Freddy is a young man from St. Elizabeth whose dream has always been to travel and write. Well he recently won a handsome sum with ticket to his dreams.
The advent of this new-found wealth means he is able to satisfy half of them by travelling round the globe. He keeps in touch, journalising his experiences and sharing his thoughts. I thought it might be entertaining to share his letters with you, so I asked his permission.
Here is his response.
Cologne, March 4, 2001Germany, Evening Time
Good Night Mr. Face, Give thanks and praise to the most high, the Lotto and the almost as high, Air J. Without these three I wouldn't be here. God bless them. If not for them my life would be a un-cook yam. Tuff and hard to swallow. Look here Mr. Face I cannot say thank you to you too much for asking me to use my letters in a one of your newspaper column. I have give plenty thought to it and my decision is anonymous. Please to use them. Ongle one thing I ask, If you pass through St. Elizabeth, look in my yard and say "Hallo" to Junja Foot Kevin, Kimone and Aunt Maude for me. And if any girl who's name end in "eesha" say anything, is a lie them telling you hear. I never touch her!
Mr. Face, I am in German this week. A place call Cologne. It stink you see. Just like old Mrs. Gilbert who me sit next to in church and use too much essence on herself. Well them make essence here. Which don't make sense cause them have another town called Essen which smell better and them don't make none there. Still I is tourist. I don't argue. I just tour.
Another place name Dresden. They say is very old but that the building new, just build to look old. Why them do that Mr. Face? You think if you build a new town you would build it new, like Portmore. I ask them and them say they did have a war with Englishman and them knock down the old one because of Coventry. Boy them Football hooligan worse than bootoo. (A so it spell?) Coventry not that good neither. No Reggae Boyz don't play there. I think that is why them flop.
Hey what 'bout that Reggae Boyz Mr. Face! What a way we thrash Trinidad & Tobacco one love! Coming like Bob write One Love for that. Make I tell you something Mr. Face, nobody can't beat Reggae Boyz again at the Office. Not with 'Pepe' Goodison in defence. We miss 'Shorty' though! If God ever play scrimmage or go World Cup and need big heart midfielder 'Shorty' is his man! 'Shorty' all tackle Satan himself and win devil ball! Him used to bite man foot hot when him play on earth, so in Heaven when him have him wings, imagine! Mind you 'Pepe' can give man headache if them try pass him too much.
I feel Mr. Dwight Yorke glad to go back to Manchester Untied. Mr. Face Trinidad play football like them dancing at Carnival. Reggae Boyz play like them drive truck. Hard! Truck harder to stop than Carnival. I don't think Mexico, USA or any of the other people can win us. We must go China or wherever next World Cup in 2002. Me have to go there you know Mr. Face. Then nuh must!
Guess who was on the plane when I fly over here? Ian 'Pepe' Goodison and Ricardo 'Bibi' Gardner. Yeah! If you ever see 'Bibi' face, it swell like smaddy box him good with the flat side of a machete. Big so till! Me tell him next time, try head the ball not the man. Me feel if ever Jamaica get invaded a 'Pepe' we must send defend us. Forget JDF! Them can't even conquer Tivoli.
Anyway while I am here in German I went to a football match. Them have plenty here too. Them win World Cup one time, you forget? Well them have a league call Dundoos League! I did want see that. Me never see more than two Dondoos in one place ever! So a whole league of them? When me get there, all I see is white people, not one Dundoos! Whole heap a bootoo (a so you spell it?) though! And you never believe what happen leaving the stadium! Me get rob! Yes! Mr. Face I was robbered, banditerised! After all the fuss we make bout how thief go stadium and use it as office just like Captain Burrell, imagine big first world country like Dutch Land Over Alice have thief too! Don't get me wrong. I like Germany and the people. Them love black people here too. I always getting hail up.
The other day me pass a group a bald head and them stand and salute me with one hand in the air. Them even have trees name after we. Although me must did go at half day because when I reach Black Forest I am the only black person there. Not even a Boom Box or Jerk Chicken Stand. Imagine! I meet a nice girl though. Him name Klaus. Wassy you see! Big like him can beat me. She ask me if me know Boney M. I tell her me never hear bout dem yet. You sir? Klaus say is a big reggae band from time. She sing one a them song. But Mr. Face, listen nuh, is one old church song call River of Babylon. I tell her is not them sing it first. Is Parson Clerk from Junction. She call me a liard and box me. I like her you see. She facety. But I not going tell her if Bounty M thief anymore song?
Europe okay Mr. Face but there's no place like home. Me will write more from other countries. Till then, I gone. Likkle more. Your turly,FREDDY.PS. By the way Mr. Face you see that GP, St. Catherine or Richmond Farm get a wicked new football coach for them team? Remember the movie with Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine and the footballers? Them did play ball and dig tunnel to escape. Well prison guard better watch out!
Tony Hendriks can be contacted and roundly chastised via www.jamaicanpaleface.com. Copyright 2001.
