TWO THIEVES in the Virgin Islands used a pick-up truck to smash through a store window and remove an Automatic Teller Machine (ATM). Unfortunately for them, the machine was new and had not yet been activated. It had no cash. They were totally silent and dumb struck when they opened the machine and found nothing. You could hear a PIN drop. It was worse in Kentucky. Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM unit hoping to get the cash from inside the machine. They ran a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's licence plate still attached to the bumper.
While Trinidad and Tobago wallowed in the memory of the 10th anniversary of 'The Coup That Failed', the July 27, 1990, attempt to overthrow the Government, I cannot help but indulge in my own beliefs that truth is much stranger than fiction, that some people are strangers to truth, and that even the best laid plans of mice, men and Musilmeen tend to go haywire. Much of the reason is stupidity.
In Tennessee, a man successfully broke into a bank and stole the bank's video camera before attempting to steal any money. However, the recording unit was in another location from the camera. While he got the camera, he did not get the tape which had the incriminating evidence, his picture as he removed the camera.
One thief who wanted some beer pretty badly decided that he would throw a huge block of concrete through a liquor store window, grab some alcohol, and run. He lifted the block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The heavy concrete block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass and the whole event was captured on videotape.
Another thief in Essex, England, found out that his victim had no cash. He demanded that the man write a cheque. "My name is Andrew Cross. Make it out to me," he stipulated. After robbing a garage in Reno, Nevada, a gunman allowed the owner to make just one phone call. He did. He called the police. A woman reported that her car was stolen. Her cellular phone was in the car. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the person who answered that he had read the advertisement in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.
Reminiscent of the looting during the coup, an Irish thief broke into a London electrical shop to steal television sets.
He drove off with three microwave ovens. The judge suspended the man's sentence because of his 'crass stupidity.'
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
"Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket in court that day. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Wrong line
Sometimes you just have to laugh, as John Petersen, a Yorkshire shopkeeper did when a would-be robber handed him a note demanding cash. Neatly printed at the top was the man's name, address and postal code. Petersen pelted him with sweets and, armed with a Coke bottle, chased him from the store.
A bank robber in Oregon handed a cashier a note, "This is a stickup and I've got a gun. Put all the money in a paper bag." The cashier wrote on the note, "I don't have a paper bag." The thief walked out shaking his head.
Another juvenile Jesse James shouted to a cashier, "This is a stick up. Give me the money." The young cashier retorted firmly, "You're in the wrong line. Wait over there." The man meekly waited until the police picked him up.
As many people spoke about incriminating documents that might still exist, 10 years after the coup, I thought of another document. A man handed a bank cashier a badly spelt note reading, "I've got a bum. I can blow you sky height." The cashier left hurriedly when everyone started laughing at his stupidity.
My favourite is the thief who burst into a bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "Freeze mother-stickers, this is f.... up!"
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard was in hysterics. It probably saved his life, because he had started reaching for his gun. Faced with the growing laughter, the thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!" We need a plaque like this every July 27.
Tony Deyal was last seen talking about the practical joker who found an easier way to take over a country. He sent a note to the leading citizens saying, "All has been found out. Flee before dawn." By the next morning the whole Chamber of Commerce, Cabinet, Judiciary and Law Society had left town or were in hiding.
